Stubborn Maria

Maria. Maria. Maria. Where do I begin with my Maria? There is so much to say about her- she is my stubborn girl who keeps me busy, keeps me laughing, and keeps me praying. Most of the time she drives me insane, but that is why I adore her so much.

In the first few weeks at SMILE, I noticed Maria immediately for two reasons. One, she was always causing trouble. Two, she is the only child at SMILE with blonde hair. She stands out with her dark skin and light hair because no one else is like her. One of my first moments with Maria was a negative one. I was helping with chaotic bath time, and I was doing my best to keep the girls in line and trying to regulate how many were crowded around the basins. There are always a few that want to stay at the basin all day long and play in the water and never leave or move out of the way for someone else. Well Maria is one of those. I had repeatedly told Maria that she was finished. I kept calling for Maria to come out but she refused to listen or to obey. Finally I went in for her and grabbed her hand to lead her out. She did not like that. She fought and pulled and kicked her way out but eventually I won. She was so angry with me for spoiling her fun. She just leaned up against the wall of the bath area and glared at me- she had the most evil look on her face. I knew then she was never going to like me- she would never trust me again. The more she pouted the worse I felt. I began feeling guilty and worried that she would stay mad at me forever.

Maria is a fighter. She is full of spunk. So its no surprise that she inched her way back up to the front of the line and tried to sneak back in for a second bath just in spite- probably hoping I would catch her. She is defiant. She is persistent. She is stubborn. And yes in turning my back for a second, she made it back in.

Maria didn’t come around us much at first- she just did her own thing- mostly terrorizing the other children. I spent a lot of time observing Maria, and I soon realized she didn’t have many friends. She was busy being the bully, and it was sad to see that she wasn’t laughing and playing with other girls her age. She seemed tough and guarded- like she didn’t trust anybody. On the outside she is a six-year-old spitfire, but deep down I felt there was so much more to her.

She got really sick with Malaria, and it became an opportunity for me to nurture her and love on her. She was resistant at first but soon warmed up to me. After babying her for a few days…she was ruined. She was attached and starving for attention and love. So this was the beginning of our relationship.

As I sit here and write about her I have a huge smile on my face because this little girl brings me so much joy! She is now my best buddy. She clings to my side. She has become so affectionate and loving- it still surprises me.

Maria has a trade mark- she communicates using only her eyebrows. She moves them up and down to answer “yes”, but she realized I loved it so much and now she does it all the time! She knows she can get away with most things when she simply raises her eyebrows. She is so animated and so dramatic. I hope that I am painting a picture of just how fun and full of life she is.

Everyone assumes stubborn Maria does not want love- but she is the very one who needs it the most. With time she learned to trust me, follow me, cling to me, listen to me, and obey me. At least I like to think so. On one of Maria’s more feisty days, she and a friend were fighting. I’m not sure who started what, but I saw Alima hit Maria. You just don’t mess with Maria- its not a good idea. Maria took off running after her to get her back..to make her pay. I managed to pull them apart and sit them down for a chat. I tried to explain how they are friends. Friends don’t beat each other- don’t hurt each other even when you are annoyed with one another. Maria put on her sad face and dropped her head. She looked at me with apologetic eyes like they were asking for forgiveness. Did I also mention that she is quite the actress? She could fake a cry to win an academy award, yet for some reason I actually thought she was listening to me and trying to obey me. As soon as I finished, she jumped up and ran after Alima. When she reached the poor girl, she grabbed her by the head and pulled her to the ground. Honestly, I just stood there and laughed. I wasn’t laughing at the poor girl screaming for her life as Maria sat on top of her. I was laughing at myself because I actually believed I was getting through to her. I was laughing at how easily she fooled me.

I was talking to Pastor Ruth about my stubborn Maria and how much I love her although she can be the thorn in my side. Pastor Ruth then informed me on Maria’s story and how she fought to live. She told me about how sick and near death she was when she arrived at SMILE two years ago. She was an extremely malnourished 3-4 yr old and had such a large belly that she couldn’t walk or hardly even move. She would just lay there and moan. She couldn’t even speak- she would just cry from pain and discomfort. With special food and lots of attention and care- Maria slowly got better. She fought to survive. I like to think her stubbornness saved her life. It’s hard for me to imagine not having Maria at SMILE. She has taught me so much about patience, obedience, and love. The world would be at such a loss with out stubborn Maria, so I thank God for her- for every part of her. I thank God for her eyebrows that she uses to win my heart. I thank God for her temper and strong will. I thank God for her passion and intensity about life. I thank God for her compassion and affection for me- for her bear hugs and kisses on the cheek. I never would have dreamed that the stubborn girl I pulled out the bathroom kicking and screaming would be the same little girl pulling on my arms and clinging to my legs begging me not to leave.

Is it love?

Since we arrived at SMILE in November, I was drawn to the underdeveloped, malnourished and what seemed to be neglected babies. Two little baby girls in particular stood out to me as the most in need. Lamorae, who I mentioned in a previous blog about Banana day, has made improvements all around. In this short time I have noticed weight gain and an increase in energy and alertness. She seems happier and more interactive with the other babies. Nika is the other precious tiny baby girl who needs extra attention and love. However, Nika hasn’t made quite the improvements like Lamorae. Nika is still very thin and underdeveloped. She is around 16 months but probably the size of a 5-6 month old. We have noticed more energy throughout the day and an increase in stimulation, but still not enough progress.

We recently met some fellow missionaries in Tororo that are apart of an organization called IAM (International accelerated missions), and one of them felt called to build an orphanage on his compound called Awenjo House. He currently has about 20 orphans of all ages living there with a Ugandan Momma and Papa. They decided to come check out SMILE and visit the children. The IAM missionary felt called to take Nika into his care at Awenjo house. However, Nika is not an orphan. In fact, both parents are alive. Nika’s father left her mother, and now the mother has remarried. The father took the children but neither has much involvement with their children anymore as it seems. All that was needed for Nika to get proper care and love was to sign her over to Awenjo House. The mother came to SMILE and claimed to have no control over her children, so we sent for the father. Both of the parents sat down with Pastor Ruth and the Momma and Papa of Awenjo house and discussed the options. As we were all waiting to hear the decisions- I was looking at Courtney hold Nika in her arms, and I prayed that the parents would give her up and give her an opportunity for a better life. I was hoping for Nika to have a chance to grow and live in a safer environment- I could think of nothing else…until it happened.

Both Nika’s father and mother walked out of the office and right by their children- it all happened so quickly. Like that- they signed over their precious child. They gave her up in a matter of minutes. I was hoping for this to happen and then when it did my heart was breaking for baby Nika. It was difficult to watch her parents leave and watch her siblings, as they had no idea their sister was no longer going to be with them. It all seemed so quick. It seemed thoughtless- like she was an object to hand over. She seemed like a burden being lifted. We all just wanted to cry. My heart ached because I thought how unloved is precious Nika? How could her parents be so heartless?

Then I thought again. Could it be possible that all of this was an act of love? Nika is loved. Her mother and father do love her and realize they cannot care for her properly. Giving her a chance to survive IS love. Giving her a better life IS love. I do not know her parents’ hearts, but I do know that Nika is their child- the child they created. I would hope they would want nothing more than to see their child be cared for and loved. Even more important, Nika is loved by her heavenly father more than any of us can fathom. He is watching over her and caring for her always. He is the one giving her a chance to survive and grow up healthy and strong. He is her creator and protector and provider- He is her father- He will never leave her nor forsake her. That IS ultimate love.

As I watched this situation unfold, I watched the mother gather her things and with no emotion take Nika along with Momma and Papa of Awenjo House to get evaluated at the hospital. At first glance I judged this mother- I accused her of not loving her child. Who am I to know this woman’s heart? Who I am to say she wasn’t dying inside, ashamed, and heart-broken to be giving up her own baby. Who am I to say she isn’t thankful and rejoicing in the Lord that her baby now has a chance to live--and live happily. Out of love, this mother sacrificed her child to provide for her a life she did not have the means to give. I will never know the motives and desires of this woman’s heart and it’s not of my concern. What I do know is that God showed me an act of love. He has given Nika hope and love. Awenjo House can give her so much and I am hopeful in hearing of her progress!

good to be home

It’s so good to be home in Tororo. Traveling was full of adventure, but its nice to be back to familiar faces and places. I couldn’t wait to just be settled again and return to SMILE and see all my beautiful children!

What a homecoming it was! As soon as the team entered the gate, we were met with hugs and hands all around. They were shouting our names and jumping- they were so excited we had returned. It felt so good to pick them up, squeeze them so tight and kiss their cute faces. I felt so much love.

I have been asking for prayers for all my children especially those dealing with illness. Thank you so much for your continued support in praying, and I know many of you are wondering if there have been any improvements or changes.

My sweet Alapen recovered from Malaria, but after Christmas he became sick again with some kind of respiratory infection. He had a mean cough and no energy at all, but we got him some medication and noticed improvements. However, while we were traveling this past week we got word from the long-term missionary that Alapen was very sick again. They thought it might be complications with Malaria, and a staff member at SMILE had to threaten his mother to take him to the hospital. I’m not sure how long he stayed there, but on Friday at SMILE he came walking in all alone. I was surprised to see him there and asked around if he had been discharged or his mother just took him out. No one seemed to have the same answer. In our clinic at SMILE Stephanie checked him out, and he seemed to be feeling better. I didn’t mind babying him all day and letting him sleep in my arms for several hours. I love watching him sleep- his eyes, his cheeks, his lips, his little hands- everything looked so relaxed- so at peace. My Alapen seems stronger today, but please continue to pray for his health and his mother’s wisdom and love for him.

Chulu (the malnourished baby) is back at SMILE and looking much healthier. I am not sure if she stayed for full treatment at the hospital either, but I can report that her swelling is down and she has gained weight. At SMILE we have separated the babies away from all the other children so that may get more attention, quiet sleep, and they are being fed a special formula mixed with milk instead of porridge and rice. Praise God for Chulu’s improvements- for saving her life. Pray that her body continues to grow and develop, and that eventually she will run and play with the other children.

As for Nerod (the malnourished 9 yr old), we haven’t heard anything. His mother never returned to the clinic, and Pastor Ruth hasn’t been able to find them. Please continue to pray for Nerod and his family- that God will protect them, comfort them, give them wisdom and strength.

I had briefly mentioned a young girl who has been struggling with abuse. While I don’t know her situation at home, I can report that her behavior and spirit at SMILE has improved. She seems so full of life and energetic! She no longer isolates herself but instead is playing and laughing with friends. Something is different within her- I can tell that when she is at SMILE she feels safe and loved.

There are still many dealing with sickness and everyday a new child tests positive for Malaria, so the health of the children is still a concern and always needs prayer. Yet these children have come a long way. In the two years SMILE has been in place, many of these street children came malnourished and near death. Many have overcome sickness and have grown to be healthier, happier children. These children have hope at SMILE. God is hard at work here.

Shia is my most recent heartbreak. Shia is a six-year-old boy with severe scabies. Because it has gone untreated for quite some time, he has open sores all along his arms and inner thighs that cause him physical and emotional pain. The sores seem to make him miserable and cause him embarrassment and shame. Many of the children won’t touch him or come near him, and at bath time he is stared at and made to stand all alone. It’s heartbreaking. What is so frustrating is scabies is so easy to treat…when you have the treatment. At this moment, the clinic doesn’t have anything and there is differing opinions on whether its scabies or not. My team feels knowledgeable about Shia’s condition, and we are in the process of treating him out of our own pocket. Scabies is common around SMILE because of their poor living conditions at home or on the streets. With medication, we can treat it and hopefully bring relief to Shia and others. Please pray for Shia’s skin to heal quickly and for his heart from the rejection and pain he has felt.

Now for a praise at my American home! On January 13 at 1:53 pm, a beautiful baby Carkuff was born into this world! My brother Jeff and his wife Jessica welcomed a healthy 8lb. 5 oz. 22in. baby boy, Jimmy Thomas Carkuff. I cannot wait to meet my handsome nephew when I return! My heart longs to be with my family during this exciting time, but I know I must put all of me into my Ugandan home- for my time here is limited.

A source of life

The Nile River is indescribable. Uncontainable. It’s so magnificent- so powerful. The water rushes and surges with speed and incredible force. It is truly majestic. Its like nothing I’ve ever seen.

I felt so humbled being in the midst of this indescribable creation. I felt so small as we rafted through the crashing waves, yet felt so a part of God’s creation. Central Africa, “The Pearl of Africa” is a biologist’s dream. The land is so lush and fruitful with beautiful plants and hundreds of different birds. We did see a few crocs and a snake but far enough away to just enjoy seeing (at least for me). My rafting experience was enhanced by my surroundings- by nature- by God’s creation. As for rafting it was insane! I had never been before in the States, but I can guarantee these rapids are of a different level. I had a wonderful guide and great team. I don’t know if it was pure luck or mad skill, but we managed to have several close calls but no flips. That was until the very last rapid, the monster. If this tells you anything we had to get out of the raft and walk around the first drop because it’s a class 6 and much too dangerous. Yet we jumped back into the middle of this enormous and explosive surge of water. With fear and excitement we plunged in, and shortly after I looked up to see this massive wave about to crash on top of me. The rest is kind of a blur. I went toppling over bodies and paddles and was tossed through the water for a few long seconds. Then I came up under the boat. Thankfully the boat was flipped upside down where it creates pockets underneath and I was able to come up and take a big deep breath. Staying calm and relaxed I pushed my way out from under the boat and let the water carry me down river. My captain was yelling to swim towards the right to the boat, but it was so difficult going against the current- I kept being pulled left when I needed to go right. In time I made it to the boat safely, but struggled to pull myself in the boat from exhaustion. A teammate pulled me the rest of the way in, and we paddled with all we had to reach the other teammates and eventually the bank. We climbed up this steep hill and looked back on what we had come through- what we had accomplished. I just stood in awe of God’s work.

We are in Jinja for an A.I.M. Conference. It is a vacation or break in a sense. I felt so undeserving especially as a short-termer. Many of the long-term missionaries have been here for a number of years, and I fully understand their need to get away, get rest, and fellowship with other missionaries. Apart of me feels guilty for being at a resort- a piece of paradise on the Nile -but these few days have been refreshing and enlightening hearing from other missionaries and what God is doing through them. It was also a chance to reflect and think about my purpose in Africa now and in the future.

I think my rafting experience is so relevant in what I’m reminded of at Conference. There are times when we plunge right into a situation with fear and excitement, and then you are hit and tossed by defeat and discouragement. You just ride it out and catch a breath under the boat to be able to push through and fight the current pulling you away from your task or goal. At times you are exhausted and you need help to climb back into the boat. You need others’ support. Then you look back and realize you have made progress and moved forward even with the obstacles.

The day after rafting, as if I hadn’t had enough thrills and excitement, I decided it would be a good idea to bungee jump into the Nile. Surprise Mom! Im pretty sure she just fainted reading this. It was absolutely terrifying. Honestly, as I stood on the edge of the platform with only a rope and towel (for cushion) wrapped around my ankles, I thought “Why am I doing this?” The Australian instructor explained, “No worries, bungee is 100% safe.” I laughed in his face…and then almost began to cry. My teammate, Ashley, and I jumped together holding tightly to one another as the instructor pushed us off the 145 ft drop into the Nile below. The feeling of falling was horrifying. Falling head first with no feeling of anything catching you is like when you lose your stomach times 1,000. But before I knew it the bungee cord caught me, bounced me around and then eventually lowered me to safety.

This too reminded me that we all fall, we all stumble, and we all feel defeated and discouraged at times. Sometimes taking a risk and jumping out on faith can be horrifying and dangerous. You can be certain (more certain than the bungee cord) that God will catch you and lower you to safety.

Being here in Uganda, I have found myself feeling discouraged and overwhelmed at times. I think it is only normal as I look around at all the need and think of all I wish I could do. Being at this conference, I have been reminded that God is already at work here in Africa. He always has been. We are only joining Him in his work. Surrounded by missionaries who have devoted their lives to these people and this culture, has shown me that they too get burned out and feel like giving up. With God they push through, and its important to sometimes take a breath or two, rest, or accept help from someone. We need each other. Whether we are in Uganda, Africa or Nashville, Tennessee we are like a raindrop in the water creating ripples. The ripples get smaller the farther from the center, so it’s important that we all do our part so that our ripples may overlap and continue to spread. God used average, messed up Peter to create ripples in the water- in His kingdom. The name Peter actually means little stone, and I find it interesting that God used this little pebble to build His church. “Now I tell you that you are Peter, and on this ROCK I will build my church.” (Matt 16:17) God used a little stone to create ripples in the water, and He wants to use us too. When we all contribute, all the raindrops and all the ripples can create a stream—a river—a lake—a source of life and transformation to the land.

a heavy heart

My team and I are leaving in the morning for Jinja for an AIM conference. We are going a day early to raft the Nile River! It should be intense as they are mostly class 4 and 5 rapids…only mini waterfalls. I am exited to just be on the Nile and experience its beauty. Pray for my team and I on this adventure! We will be spending the rest of the week in Jinja, meeting other AIM missionaries from around the central Africa region. I am hoping to meet up with a friend in JInja- I was a counselor with her at Lakeshore this summer and she is in Uganda at the same time! What are the odds! I also hope to visit Katie Davis (kissesfromkatie) I follow her blog, and she is such an inspiration. I am amazed by her ability to obey God and be a mom to 14 beautiful girls in Uganda. I am hoping to find them and meet this amazing family. I am asking you to pray for our travels and our adventures.

I also have it on my heart to share with you several difficult things I saw this week. On Wednesday, one of my teammates Jessica found a little baby girl lying under a blanket under the pavilion. When she pulled back the blanket she saw her eyes rolling back in her head, and then the older sister came and pointed to the baby's swollen feet. Jessica immediately picked up the moaning child and headed for the clinic. This baby girl, Chulu, is extremely malnourished. She has what they call, Kawasaki, or wet malnutrition. It basically means she is skin, bones, and water. Her feet had begun to swell causing the skin to be stretched and shiny around the feet and ankles. Chulu doesn’t normally come to SMILE- this was my first time seeing her. However, Pastor Ruth shared a story of Chulu- that a missionary who had stayed for several months nursed Chulu back to health when she was an infant. She bought and fed her formula everyday until she was healthy. Chulu is three now and obviously not being cared for. The nine yr. old sister was sent to get the mother to come to the clinic. We had to explain to her the seriousness of Chulu’s condition, and that we couldn’t do anything for her at the clinic. She needed to be hospitalized and receiving an IV. The mother came, but she looked annoyed- she did not want to hear what we had to say. She said to us that she did not want to take her to the hospital- she would rather take her home to die. I can’t even explain to you the heartbreak in hearing those words. How could this mother not want to fight for her child’s life. I do not know her story or why she acted this way, I can only pray that she was responding out of anger and embarrassment.

We just kept telling the mother that her child would die if she didn’t take her to get treatment. God worked on this woman’s heart, and she eventually went to the hospital with Chulu. In the hospitals here, you have to have someone stay with you to care for you. There is not a staff to do that. I know this woman is tired and has other children to care for, so I admire her strength to fight to save her child. Pastor Ruth updated us that Chulu is in the hospital receiving treatment, and Pastor Ruth/Smile is paying for it. Please continue to pray for her recovery and for the mother’s desire to love and nurture her precious baby girl.

On the very next day, I saw something even more horrific. As we were getting ready to leave SMILE for the day, I noticed a crowd of children around a woman. A woman was sitting holding her barely breathing son. He too was malnourished and was showing signs through his swelling feet and hands. He was just skin and bones lying in his mother’s arms- you could see his heart beat out of his chest. This boy looked as if he could only see through one eye and he struggled to lift his head to look at us. The boy’s head looked more mature, but his body was the size of a three or four yr. old. We asked the mother his name, “He is called Nerod and he is nine years.”

It was like nothing I had ever seen- its difficult for me to describe. I had no words. The mother just looked at us for some kind of answer. She looked helpless and exhausted. She said she had tried everything, and he had been sick all his life. She had been in out of the hospital with him, but he wasn’t getting any better. We could do nothing for Nerod at the clinic- he needed immediate attention at the hospital- that’s all the medical advice we could offer. We had to seek advice and help from something much greater- with more wisdom- with more power- with more healing touch than anyone can offer on this Earth for Nerod. We just knelt down and prayed for Nerod. I did not even have words- only tears. All I could do was weep. During the prayer, Nerod reached down and grabbed my hand. It was like he was reaching out to comfort me, to tell me it was all going to be ok.

I am still trying to process what I saw in that little nine-year-old boy, and its difficult to carry when you feel you should be doing something right away to save his life. Its just not all that simple. We did go to find Pastor Ruth and tell her of this boy- she was heartbroken as well. She wants to find him and make sure he gets a fighting chance. I don’t know what will happen to Nerod. We are traveling for the next few weeks and won’t be informed, so I can only pray that God protects Nerod. I can only trust that God will be with him and his mother healing their bodies and their hearts.

My heart is heavy for these children- I hope you will join me in praying for Nerod and Chulu, as well as their mothers. They need you.