dirty little hands

It has been difficult for me to want to write about being home. When I write it down it becomes more real to me that my trip is in fact over. Some days I don’t even believe I went to Africa- it all happened so fast. Let me say that I am excited to be home and to be surrounded by family and friends that love me. I missed my brothers. I missed playing with my niece. I missed sharing stories with my grandfather. I missed hugging my boyfriend. I missed knowing about the lives of my youth in Jackson. Yet in all the excitement of seeing loved ones, I really wanted to burst into tears for missing my children and the people in Tororo. As things began slowing down and the newness of me being home went away, I broke down.

Many days at Smile I had to step away and take a breath when I was being smothered by hundreds of children. I constantly had dirty little hands all over my body- hanging on my arms, holding on to my legs, touching my face, lying on my chest, clinging to my waist, pulling on my hair. It seemed like they couldn’t be close enough. It’s hard for me to imagine that ever being too much or overwhelming. Because right now I want nothing more than to have those little hands all over me. I long for them. My heart aches for their attention and affection.

In my transition back home I keep asking God what is next? I know He is not finished with me…we are only beginning. Although I can’t be in Uganda with my babies right now, I trust that God will lead me back there. During my trip I was dreading coming back to this society and the pressures that come with it- having to tend to responsibilities and making money to survive. I simply asked God to give me clarity and understanding of the next step. He is faithful. As I was getting ready to return to America He laid on my heart- Jackson, Tn. I always said I hated Jackson and after college would NEVER live there. That God is a funny guy…cause I’m doing as He says and moving to Jackson. Not sure what He has in store for me but I’m going.

I went to Lakeshore (A Methodist Camp in West Tenn) this weekend to speak about my trip to Uganda. I didn’t know if I was ready, but I said yes and went anyway. The theme of the 30-hour famine was relating physical hunger with spiritual hunger. In that hunger we experience emptiness—then desire—then fulfillment—then we share. I spoke about having a desire to go to Africa and how that became a calling that God asked me to fulfill. What I realized is in fulfilling His commands He in turn fulfilled me. I didn’t go to Uganda hoping to fulfill my own desires, but in stepping out in faith and giving everything to God He filled me with love, understanding, patience, wisdom, clarity, friendship- He fulfilled my spiritual hunger. I know that in missing my children and my heart aching for their dirty little hands I know that I did what God asked of me. “This is how we know we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands” 1 john 5:2. If we love God and follow through with His commands, He will take care of the rest. He will fill you with all you need to love His children.

My next step is to share. God is asking me to share my story and the things He showed me in Uganda. I don’t know exactly what that looks like yet, but He is faithful and I trust He will show me the way.

In missing my children God has revealed to me that He longs for my love in that same way. God longs for our dirty little hands to be all over him- pulling at his arms, touching his face and clinging to Him through His word and prayers. He never gets overwhelmed or needs a break- He loves us so much that we can cling to him always, and He will always fill us with love and affection in return. He wants us to feel as if we can't get close enough. He wants us to desire to know Him better. To not only use words to declare our love for Him but instead to act on it. Step out in faith and follow God commands. Go and fulfill His call, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Pray “that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith” 2 Thessalonians 1:11.
As I miss my children and am weary of where He leads me next, I am comforted that I can wrap my dirty little hands around God and cling to Him for strength.

I hope to receive an update from SMILE soon, but in the mean time I would love for you to be in prayer for my children and the staff at SMILEJ