Today was a difficult day. As soon as I arrived at Smile I could tell I was going to be fighting back the tears. I was already dreading four o’clock. The count down had begun, and I was limited to only a few more hours with my children. All day the thought of saying goodbye was breaking my heart.
Juma is Mr. tough guy. He is guarded and hardened by the things he has seen in his life. His fear makes him defensive and aggressive towards others. He likes to be in control- in authority. He has no problem beating the children or shaming them in front of a group. He likes the children to feel inferior to him- it gives him power and makes him feel safe.
Juma is a true orphan. He lost both his mother and father at a young age. Juma lives with his grandmother and is forced to be a father figure to the children living with him. In first meeting Juma he shared with me his desire to go to America and be far from Uganda. Juma believes that America is as close as it gets to heaven. He thinks there is no pain, no tears, no crime, no evil in America. He once asked me if a snake bit me would I bleed? Would I feel pain in America? I tried to explain to Juma that America is far from perfect- that we too have poverty, sickness, death and destruction. I wanted him to be proud of Uganda and feel safe to live there. He then shared with me that he feared living here. He feared to sleep at night. He talked about men coming into his house in the middle of the night to come kill him and his family. I asked him why he thought this. Had someone told him this might happen? He said that it had happened- he said his uncle had been beaten to death by these men of the night. I asked him if he was there or if they had harmed him and he said, “they forced me to watch.” They had forced this 12 year boy to watch his only uncle- his only family- be beaten to death right in front of his innocent eyes. This is why my Juma lives in fear. This is why my Juma does not trust and does not let anyone in. This is why my Juma seeks authority and power over the small children because it comforts him- makes him feel safe.
Juma from the beginning wanted to know all about our team and learn about our culture and why we had come to SMILE. He was hungry for friendship and attention yet he struggled to let me into his heart- to love him.
Over the three months Juma and I have become close friends- he calls us best friends. He shares with me, he asks me for advice, he listens, he not only accepts hugs but now asks for them, he likes to just sit and talk with me. I have watched him grow and change over the past three months, and it is truly beautiful. I don’t think I mentioned, but Juma is also Muslim. He had a difficult time at first listening to any of us speak of God and his love of us. Yet I watched him be eager to sit in bible class and ask questions and desire to know more. I also watched his behavior change towards our team, his peers and the children at SMILE. On the last day at SMILE I just sat and observed him. I watched him break up two fights, help a crying child and give his banana to a younger child who needed it much more. He was once the one fighting and making the children cry, and now he was demonstrating kindness and love to others. I couldn’t believe the change I saw in him.
The week before departure Juma kept worrying about when we were all leaving. He asked everyday how many days we had left. We were walking home from SMILE and Juma told me, “I am scared.” I asked him if he meant sad, but he said no he was scared for what it would be like after we all left. He was so afraid that we would never see each other again. It was so sad because I couldn’t promise him that we ever would.
Before I knew it was the end of the day and time to say goodbye. I hugged my sweet Alapen so tight and didn’t want to let him go. It was difficult watching him walk away with no understanding that we wouldn’t be back tomorrow.
I also had someone explain to Maria that I would be leaving to go back home. She immediately was angry with me and resisted my hugs. I didn’t expect any different from my stubborn Maria, and I didn’t blame her for being upset with me. She had learned to trust me and now I was leaving her.
As we walked out of the gates at SMILE I had to watch all my children walk away. My Juma and the other boys just began crying. These tough 12-13 year old boys were sobbing and so was I. We stood at each end of the road and watched each other cry. It was the saddest feeling. Not just leaving but not knowing if I would ever see them again. The boys continued to stay around not wanting to leave. The team and I were staying at SMILE for a going away party the women and staff had put together. The ceremony was so sweet as they spoke about us and thanked us for time spent with them. They all gave us gifts….my favorite being the Kuku (a live chicken!) It amazes me how much they give even when they have nothing.
These relationships have enriched my life. They have made me a better person. They have helped me better understand the love and life of Jesus. We met with Pastor Ruth and discussed what we had seen in SMILE. By the time we finished it was 8pm and as we exited the gate I looked to my left and there on the side of the road was my Juma. He had been waiting all this time. Did they not want to go home? Did they not want the day to end? All we could do was just wave goodbye and again my heart broke. I already missed my boys- my friends.
As we drove away from Tororo, I had mixed feelings. Such joy from my time spent here. In a way I was so happy knowing how much I would miss the people here because that meant that I had formed relationships. I had fallen in love with these people and that is why my heart ached so much. As much as I am sad to be leaving, I am confident in the faithfulness of my God. He is the protector. He is the counselor. He is the friend. He is the father that never leaves his children. I can only hope that apart of me will remain at SMILE through memories, through stories, through relationships. I have hope that seeds have been planted that God will water and nurture and allow to grow and bear fruit.
While I am uncertain of God’s plans for me in Africa or whether I will be able to see my children again, I have confidence in praying, “May the Lord keep watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another.” –Genesis 31: 49
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